Free My Soul of Ridicule
by george's firework
Summary: Ginny confronts Hermione about the rumours that have been flying around about Hermione and McLaggen. Quickly, the talk turns from a demand to know the truth, to ecouragement of bad behaviour on Hermione's part.
1. No, thank you

**An entry for two different challenges: don'..'s Dialogue Challenge and HollyWrites's Mean Girls Quotes Challenge :)**

**The aim of the dialogue challenge is for the fic to solely contain dialogue - no description or anything else.**

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><p>"You're going to Slughorn's party with <em>who<em> now?"

"Ginny! Keep your voice down, would you? I'm trying to keep it a bit of a secret until tomorrow morning at breakfast when it'll have the most impact!"

"Hermione, rumours are practically _flying a_round school! How else do you think I heard, as you didn't care enough to tell me? And since when do you like the arrogant imbecile that is Cormac McLaggen? It would have been nice to have been told – I've told you everything, shouldn't that automatically mean that you tell me everything in return? I know you've got Harry and Ron, but they're not exactly the kind of people you could talk to about this!"

"Ginny! You're getting _louder! _I don't want the entire library to hear the contents of- oh just follow me, please? We can continue this conversation in private."

"Right, fine. Now that we're out of earshot of Madam Pince, and the rest of the dusty air in the library, will you please tell me what's going on?"

"Fine, as you've told me everything. I'm going with Cormac because I believe it'd be nice to actually have someone to go with who I can have a stimulating conversation with. Besides, he is very attractive and I'm sure that he's not so arrogant once you get to know him."

"That is the biggest load of bullshit I have ever heard in my life, Hermione. Did you really expect me to believe that? I grew up with Fred and George! If you wanted someone to go with who you could have an interesting conversation with, you could have gone with Harry and not had any trouble whatsoever. Or Neville."

"Well I was hoping if you believed it, everyone else in the castle would too. When they find out, tomorrow morning, hopefully they'll all believe it. And you know that people always jump to conclusions if Harry is seen talking to any girl, even if it was me. He'd be asked so many questions if I went to the party with him."

"Like I said before, a fair number of people have ideas anyway because you were seen talking to him after Transfiguration. Have you told even Harry and Ron about this? I'll be extremely impressed if they don't know alr- Oh Merlin, Hermione, no!"

"What?"

"Don't you say "what?" to me in such an innocent voice. I know what you're doing and it's not going to work! If Ron even does detach himself from Lavender's face long enough to actually listen to the rumour, I doubt he'll have long enough to comprehend what's going on before she's sucking his mouth off again! I love you, and all, but I don't think this will make my idiotic brother jealous."

"Ginny, I am not trying to make your brother jealous! I couldn't care less about how Ron feels about this entire situation – he and Lavender can go and get married for all I care! For your information, I am in fact attracted to Cormac – I find him to be very aesthetically pleasing."

"So you think he's hot?"

"Yes, in short."

"Do you want to have sex with him?"

"No, thank you… Ginny, that's just wholly inappropriate."

"In what way? You're a mature, responsible woman and he's a hot… somewhat less mature guy with raging hormones, so why not? Come on, Hermione, this is your chance to prove everyone wrong about you! This is your chance to make people believe that you're more than Harry Potter's extremely intelligent, slightly nerdy friend with explosive hair!"

"Wha- Does everyone think that? My hair isn't that bad, is it?"

"No, it's lovely. Not _everyone_ thinks that. Mainly Slytherins and, well, that's just what can be expected from them. There are actually a hell of a lot of guys who think you're really attractive just a bit… intimidating. If you're trying to make Ron jealous – yes I'm still standing by that theory and you won't get me to change my mind – then you could have gone for pretty much any other guy! I do approve of Cormac for the looks factor though, and how much he annoys Ron is good if you're trying to make him jealous."

"I'm not trying to make anyone jealous!"

"Whatever, Hermione. You still haven't answered my earlier question."

"Which one?"

"Why are you so reluctant to get it on with McLaggen? I'm sure he'd be more than up for it and it'd make Ron – ah, stop trying to deny it – it would serve to make Ron extremely jealous! You wouldn't even have to go all the way with him, maybe just a hot make-out session where you could easily be discovered by, say, Parvati. Then you could be sure that the news would be all over the school in about half an hour: Hermione Granger; is she really as innocent as we all thought?"

"No, Ginny."

"Oh, why not? You yourself told me to employ a similar tactic against Harry by dating other guys in an attempt to get over him and get more comfortable with him, well stop being a hypocrite and take your own advice! If you're not using Cormac to make my brother jealous then you could at least use him in an attempt to get over Ron and have some fun! And it wouldn't even have to be for very long, you guys could just sneak away from Christmas dinner and come up with your own Christmas entertainment in a nearby cupboard. Or in the library, why not be a bit dirty in your favourite place?"

"We are not having this conversation."

"Au contraire, my intelligent friend. We most certainly are."

"Not anymore we aren't because, oh how convenient, I need to go to Charms. I'll see you later, Ginny!"

"Hermione, the lunch bell doesn't go for another twenty minutes! Don't you walk away from me! I know you can hear me! Hermione!"


	2. Fitcorneas

**I'm making a tiny challenge out of this. If someone can figure out how I came up with 'Fitcornea' I'll review and favourite one of their stories. Just a little hint: it's slightly dirty ;P**

"Hermione Jean Granger!"

"Ginevra Molly Weasley?"

"Parvati just told me that you never made it back to your dorm last night."

"And?"

"Well, I want to know every detail! I deserve to know, after you didn't bother telling me you were taking McLaggen to the party in the first place!"

"I don't know what you're talking about, Ginny. There are no details to tell of – I simply entertained his company for part of the night and then went to the library, where I fell asleep. Madam Pince is more than used to finding me asleep in there so she didn't disturb me."

"My God, why do you keep ly-"

"What are you girls arguing about? It's too early in the morning for loudness."

"Good morning, Harry. You're looking chipper."

"Merlin, Hermione, I had no idea you possessed such sarcasm. Don't let me interrupt; I'll just be over here falling asleep in my porridge. Hey, Hermione, before I do… Where did you disappear to last night? And don't say the library because I checked there and Madam Pince said she hadn't seen you."

"Aha! You lied to me, again! Come on, Hermione, it isn't that hard to admit – Dean and I have done it. Why can't you just tell me you and McLaggen had sex?"

"_What?_"

"Thank you, Harry; I appreciate being soaked in orange juice."

"Sorry, Ginny. Hermione, you slept with _McLaggen? _It was bad enough that you even took him to the party!"

"For the sake of Merlin, guys! It really isn't a competition to see who can blurt my innermost secrets at the loudest volume, in front of the most people possible. Honestly, how could you? And for your information, I did not sleep with him."

"Sleep with, fuck, make love to, have sex with, copulate, screw, fool around with, whatever you choose to call it, they all mean the same thing. What is happening to the world? Ron's got a girlfriend, Harry isn't having to fend off Death Eaters left right and centre, and Hermione's having sex? Merlin!"

"Ginny, I am not having sex with anyone! And would you please control the level of your voice, people are staring…"

"Boo, you whore."

"Ginny!"

"Sorry, I mean; Boo, you completely boring, not at all slutty, angelic little virgin."

"Yes, because that's so much better…"

"For Merlin's sake, would you two shut up already? I'm trying to sleep in my porridge here! Ginny, if Hermione says she and McLaggen didn't… urgh, then they didn't. Hermione, well you aren't really in the wrong so just keep arguing. BUT… do it somewhere else, please."

"No, we were here first. So, Hermione, why did you have sex with McLaggen? Was it because you find him to be "aesthetically pleasing"?"

"Oh screw sleeping. Hermione, did you really describe McLaggen like that?"

"Yes, I did and Ginny, I did not have sex with McLaggen."

"Yes she did, there are Fitcorneas floating all around her, like a little swarm of love hearts. I can get rid of them if you like."

"What's a Fitcornea?"

"Oh, good morning Harry. A Fitcornea is a small, heart shaped bird which flocks around people who have recently been pleasured in an intimate way. It's something to do with the smell, and how much the person actually enjoyed it which decides the number of Fitcorneas who actually show up. There must be roughly a thousand hovering near you, Hermione. There were a lot surrounding McLaggen as well, when I passed him in the corridor earlier."

"I really do not need to be having this conversation over breakfast…"

"I knew you were lying! You did screw him! I want every detail, starting with why you actually did sleep with him."

"We are not having this conversation."

"You said that last time and got away but this time you won't be so lucky because I know you've got a free period first thing and I've got Trelawney who wouldn't notice if her room was burning, let alone if I was missing. Come on, Hermione, spill!"

"You are never going to drop this, are you?"

"Nope, so it'd be better for everyone if you just told me."

"I'm going to take the wise decision to leave; I don't think I can really handle this conversation at this time in the morning. Are you coming, Luna?"

"Oh no, Harry, though thank you for asking. I'm going to go and sit at the Ravenclaw table and gaze dreamily in the direction of Blaise Zabini."

"Alright then… Ginny, Hermione, I'll see you two later. Try not to kill each other."

"So, why'd you fuck him?"

"Must we use such vulgar language? Surely you're more mature than that, Ginny."

"Nah, this makes it more fun. So, did he seduce you into his lair or something? Maybe he used a Confundus charm on you."

"That isn't funny."

"Sorry. Now, spill."

"Fine, fine. You were right, the other day. I wanted to get even with Ron, I was jealous of him and Lavender so I decided I'd take some form of revenge and this is how it came. Plus, Cormac is rather attractive."

"So… You fucked Cormac McLaggen, douche bag extraordinaire, to make my brother jealous, and because he is hot? Surely there's more than that, Hermione. I know there's more to it than jealously, or else you would have just made out with him like I suggested."

"Well… We were on our way to Gryffindor Tower – Cormac was being strangely polite and escorting me quietly – and suddenly a sprig of mistletoe appeared above our heads."

"Oooh, I sense juiciness. Carry on."

"I'd already had one bad experience with him under mistletoe, before the party, and he seemed to notice my reluctance because he sort of… I'm not sure how to explain it. He took my hand with one of his and then put his free hand up to my face and stroked my cheekbone in an oddly tender manner. I suppose one would say he caressed me."

"Who knew McLaggen was capable of any emotion other than arrogance? Keep going, I'm intrigued. Did he take you by surprise and actually not kiss you? Or did he force you up against the wall, give in to his animalistic urges, and take you right there?"

"You're so terrible. He did neither, he just kissed me gently and then, I'm not sure how, we ended up in his dorm room which was fortunately empty and it just went on from there. It was shocking how gentle and kind he was."

"Who would have thought that Cormac McLaggen would ever be gentle in bed? Damn it, Hermione, you've ruined my fantasies of wild animalism. Take back what you said and tell me he was like that."

"No, this conversation is now over. I've told you all the details I'm comfortable repeating."

"So you're not going to tell me every single detail of how he rocked your world?"

"Morning. Where's Harry? And what are we talking about?"

"You mumble terribly when you're tired, brother dear. Hermione and I were just talking about her exploits with a certain- ow! Hermione!"

"Ginny, you must make sure your bacon is cool enough not to burn your mouth next time. Good morning, Ronald. Ginny and I were just reminiscing about some of my less fine moments on a broomstick."

"A broomstick, huh? Did you have a good ride? Ow! Damn it Hermione!"


	3. Ninth Dictionary Child

"You're going to Hogsmeade with _who _now?"

"I am absolutely certain that you have asked me that question before, also in the library, only upon that occasion the question contained the phrase 'Slughorn's party' rather than 'Hogsmeade'."

"Don't you be so blasé with me, Hermione Granger! First you go to Slughorn's party with the jerk, then you sleep with him, and now you're going on an actual _date _with him? What's next, are you two going to announce that you're married and expecting your ninth child?"

"And cue the awkward silence and the drop of everyone's jaw who heard that, including myself. Ginny, what's gotten into you recently? Is it really so terrible that I'm actually acting upon your… my… our advice?"

"I have two questions. First of all, how is it "your…my… our"? And secondly, how was I supposed to know you would go so far? I'm allowed a certain degree of shock and surprise; am I not?"

"Well it started off as my advice to you to get over Harry, until it became yours when you used my own advice against me to help me get over Ron – hence, it is our advice. As to the second question: it turns out that McLaggen is surprisingly pleasurable company. I mean, sure at first he talked about Quidditch literally non-stop but eventually he managed to run out of things to say about the intolerable game and we actually managed to have an intellectually stimulating conversation about goblin warfare."

"Wow, Hermione. Before I met you, I never thought I'd know anyone who could make a simple conversation about goblin warfare sound as exciting as foreplay. What do you guys do when you're having sex, read dictionaries together?"

"Are you completely addicted to sex, or something? I swear, in the past month we haven't had a single conversation without you bringing up the subject. And for your information, we do not. Dictionaries are not at all interesting to read."

"You say that as if you've tried it…"

"No comment."

"Back to the original conversation, as we managed to get a little side-tracked by the interesting topic of sex and dictionaries. Why are you going on a date with Cormac McLaggen to Hogsmeade?"

"Because we want to."

"We? As in, more than one? As in, you and McLaggen joined in a word to create a pronoun referring to yourselves as a couple? Oh, by the way, congratulations on the incredibly eloquent enlightening elucidation: "Because we wanted to"."

"I thought it did its job. And yes; we."

"So the Hermione Granger, bookworm extraordinaire, deigned to go on a date with Cormac McLaggen, the boy she _despised _at the start of the year, because she wanted to? Nice try, Hermione, but I really do not believe you."

"You probably should, Ginny. Her hair isn't standing on end so she's not lying."

"As well as that, there are no Hut Runts anywhere near her. Why has everyone gone silent?"

"Hello Harry, Luna… It's nice to see you."

"Ah, now there is a Hut Runt. You should probably correct that statement so you're telling the truth, Hermione, else it may bite you. The bite of a Hut Runt is awfully painful and it has the odd side-effect of making the bitten person spout unlawful truths."

"I really don't-"

"Hermione, _I _will bite you if you don't tell me the truth about why you're going on a date with McLaggen."

"Hermione's going on a _what _with _who _now?"

"Hermione's going a _date _with _Cormac McLaggen._"

"Well, why is she doing that?"

"Guys…"

"I have no idea; I've been trying to get an answer out of her for ages now."

"Guys, I'm sitting right here."

"I mean, it was bad enough that they had sex!"

"Who had sex?"

"Your parents, Ronald. Unfortunately they didn't think to use a contraceptive spell that night you were conceived."

"Ouch, Hermione! What did I do now, Harry?"

"I don't know why you're asking me, Ron. She's the one you upset… somehow…"

"Right. Well… we're going to be late for Quidditch practice."

"Ron, what are you talking about? We don't have Quidditch practice, and I would know; being Captain and all. Ouch, Ron, quit dragging me!"

"I'm going to go and stare at Blaise Zabini again. Maybe this time he won't bewitch my pumpkin juice to spill all the way down my robes."

"… That girl is slightly strange."

"I've been trying to tell you all that for over a year now."

"Whatever. Can we _please _return to the conversation I've been trying to have for at least twenty minutes now?"

"I don't know. Can we?"

"Urgh, damn you and your grammatically correct ways. _May_ we _please _return to the original conversation?"

"You actually aren't going to leave me alone until I answer you, are you?"

"Nope."

"Fine then. Well, as you know it all started off because I was trying to make your idiotic brother jealous, and because I found Cormac attractive. Now it's because I'm still trying to make your idiotic brother jealous, – Merlin knows why, it isn't working – I still find him attractive, and I've actually grown to be rather fond of him if I'm completely honest."

"Alright, Hermione. You go on a date with a guy because you like him in a romantic way, not because you're "rather fond of him". That makes it sound as though he's a puppy or something to that effect."

"Oh whatever. All you really need to know, and keep to yourself, is that I'm going out with him to make Ron- hello Cormac!"

"Hey gorgeous Granger, ready to go?"

"Oh, yes of course, Cormac. Ginny, remember to remind Harry that he can't tell anyone what I'm getting Ron for his birthday – neither can you for that fact."

"Alright. But am I allowed to tell people that you're only going-"

"Cormac, have you had breakfast yet? I hear the house elves have cooked up a special breakfast due to it being the first Hogsmeade weekend of the year…"


End file.
